Original Posting: 02/16/2017

“I have not posted since October 19th? That cannot be true! So much has happened since then,” I thought as I surveyed the chronology of my blog posts. Somewhere along the line, constant doctor’s appointments were “normalized” much like Trump’s and the so-called alternative right’s racism, and I lost sight of the fact that MS provided me the opportunity for my journey to optimal health.

I am in “maintenance mode,” according to my army of doctors, which includes a neurologist, cardiologist, endocrinologist, and gastroenterologist, but I am unsure what that means. By many standards, I am very healthy. I guess, if I think about it, that means that I manage anywhere from 10 to 25 MS symptoms a day, and my life as I once knew it was dead and buried on August 1, 2015. Don’t get me wrong, the old adage popping into my mind, I am grateful that I do no have any additional brain damage and scarring, but I have had to deal with and manage the damage that I have already sustained for a year and a half. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. But everything else is fine.

While I am thankful for my mild to moderate symptoms of aphasia, stumbling, walking into walls, problems typing, problems with walking and balance, mis-chewing my food, severe agitation, and the constant nerve pain throughout my body, and my perpetual muscle stiffness, I am tired. I am glad that I have my full mobility and can fuck up a je·té and a glissade with the rest of them, but in the moments in between, I am tired. And I wonder how long I can truly sustain this with a sunny disposition and a positive attitude in the hidden heartbeats of darkness that no one sees.

And then I take a deep breath, release the stress of that moment, and let go. Regardless of what symptoms I may currently have, in the last year and a half, I have prevented my symptoms from getting worse. With a progressive, degenerative disease that attacks the brain, that is definitely something to celebrate!

One step at a time, and one day at a time, I will be he best that I can be and do the best that I can do, hoping that these actions will add up to something some day. Perhaps save me from a wheelchair. Some day.